Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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