i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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