Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
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they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
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Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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