Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
