The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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