If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
