My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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