omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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