we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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