mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
