...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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