Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
