I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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