did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
