If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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