Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
