Do you still have your period?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
