addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
