The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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