It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
