Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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