just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
