Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
