Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
