Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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