I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
