Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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