i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
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regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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