The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
