by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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