so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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