I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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