arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
