I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.