I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
