my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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