somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
