I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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