hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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