i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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