Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
