Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
