Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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