Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
