I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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