My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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