I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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