just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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