I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
