when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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