i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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