If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
