If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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