i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
