you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
