just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
